The GO Holiday Movie Preview

November 15

Shortbus (at Moxie Cinema)
A bunch of New York intellectuals get really, really freaky and question sexuality in a modern-day "salon." John Cameron Mitchell (Hedwig and the Angry Inch) certainly isn't afraid of pushing the envelope, and he pushes it with Shortbus like only un-simulated penetration can.

November 17

Casino Royale
For a franchise whose charm and allure went out the window at least 20 years and three James Bonds ago, Daniel Craig, the brand new, brawny, blonde Bond (say that three times fast), looks to be a breath of fresh air into a creatively bankrupt enterprise. Expect the same half-assed plot, but with a deft coolness the series had lost with Moore, Dalton and Brosnan. 
Fast Food Nation
Richard Linklater's eagerly anticipated dramatization of the Eric Schlosser novel about the secrets behind the marketing, production and consumption of mass-produced fast foods. Addresses the health issue like Super-Size Me, but delves more into the scientific and economic sides of the industry. Would you like some bovine growth hormone with that shake?

Let's Go to Prison
Directed by Bob Odenkirk, who is half of the sublime Mr. Show. Here, he gets behind the camera for this lowbrow comedy. But even Odenkirk might not save what looks like a weak-ass film about "normal" guys who get beaten and hit on by scary-looking inmates. Why does this seem tame? I guess, weirdly enough, "huge prisoner trying to romance fresh meat" is a boring comic cliché already. I didn't think I'd ever say that.

November 24

For Your Consideration
The improv comedy troupe behind This Is Spinal Tap, Waiting  for Guffman, and Best in Show stick to what works and make another mockumentary, this one about a ridiculous Oscar-baiting melodrama. If you haven't made a bad movie in 25 years, why start now? Admittedly, A Mighty Wind wasn't great, but this time I think they'll hit the mark, what with such an easy target.

Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny
Tenacious D has been dormant for a while since its eponymous album and sketch comedy show. Pick of Destiny has been delayed and had the ending re-shot-not usually a good sign. The D has always been hilarious, and no matter if Jack Black's been overexposed, this one should be good...if they don't over-rely on dancing eyebrows and recycled jokes.

December 1

DOA: Dead or Alive
In the rich tradition of movies based on video games, Dead or Alive is here just in time to milk out a little Christmas cash on a thin plot and thinner thongs. Corey Yeun's film, based on the masturbation-fodder PlayStation 2 fighting game DOA, is sure to repulse every notion of taste, going beyond campy and ironic into a whole new world of bad. If you can think of something nice to say about leads Jamie Pressly and Devon Aoki that doesn't involve breasts, take a shot.

Turistas
A bunch of college kids get drunk, get ripped off, and get stranded in Brazil. Paramilitary ideological wackiness ensues. The trailer makes it look like a thriller and cautionary tale, but it's hard to feel any empathy for vapid, pretty, jello-shooting co-eds who get screwed just 'cause they came to a politically unstable country to par-tay. 

Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj
The original Van Wilder wasn't very funny, as Ryan Reynolds is only marginally talented as a comedian and Tara Reid, well, we all know the answer to that one. So why did they take the stereotypical Indian sidekick and give him a sequel? Probably because it costed like, 300 bucks to make and they still get to slap "National Lampoon" on it. Bastards!

December 8

Apocalypto
Mel Gibson makes a movie set in the 13th century that is...wait for it...spoken entirely in Mayan! It doesn't help that he's batshit moonball crazy to boot. Braveheart wasn't bad, but that was before Gibson went all the way off the deep end. This is what happens when actors are allowed total creative control. I don't feel I even have to make a joke here.

Blood Diamond
Leonardo DiCaprio, Djimon Hounsou and Jennifer Connelly become intertwined over the fate of a huge diamond in Africa. Sheds light on the harm the diamond trade causes on the indigenous peoples of Africa and how merchants profit from the civil wars. Maybe a little preachy and inaccurate, but so is Kanye West. Who knows? Might make you think twice about blowing two months' salary on a chunk of glass-like rock.

December 15

Eragon    
This special-effects orgy is based on a surprise smash hit fantasy novel written by a 17-year-old obsessed with Lord of the Rings. And judging from the previews, the whole thing reeks of Tolkien and an eerily similar plot. Of course, I'm judging from the cover, so to speak, but I also sat through nine hours of LOTR last Christmas, thank you very much.

December 22

Charlotte's Web
I read Charlotte's Web when I was a kid and I loved it. So there. Took them awhile to make a live-action movie about it, but now the omnipresent Dakota Fanning is old enough to star in it. Charlotte and Gussy are voiced by Julia Roberts and Oprah. What?

Rocky Balboa
Whaah ha-ha! No really, they made another Rocky movie. Of course he's too old for this (the dude's 60), and of course the last one was really, super bad. But I swear to everything holy, it doesn't look horrible. The film appears to take aged boxers seriously-George Foreman was pretty ancient when he came back, after all. And hey, the first Rocky did win Best Picture. But then again, so did Crash.