The Armchair Epicureans

To assist you in staying an informed consumer, (with all the marketing ploys and newfangled products, it can be confusing) GO Magazine has deployed the Armchair Epicureans once again to help you navigate the aisles of your local grocery store.

Betty Crocker Warm Delights Molten Carmel Cake
The microwave was an amazing gadget in the 1980s, and my mother cooked everything in it: cookies, meatloaf, whole chickens, you name it. As it turns out, she was way ahead of her time and would have been ecstatic to learn that Betty Crocker would one day invent a personal-size cake to be "baked" in the microwave. Was it as good as the lascivious commercial with the moaning ladies would suggest? If you're jonesing for some cake and are too lazy to bake a real one, it'll do in a pinch.
$1.99 single serving (plastic bowl included!), Walgreens

Kellog's Yogos, Island Explosion flavor
All agreed these deceptively healthy-sounding (good source of calcium, 100% daily value of Vitamin C,)  snacks from Kellog's were probably anything but. Cleverly, Kellog's doesn't claim they contain actual yogurt, just that they're yogurty-covered. Nothing says "healthy breakfast" more than a big handful of multi-colored non-fat, heat-treated, yogurt culture powder-covered sugar-filled balls. Mmmm.
Look like: Sixlets
Taste like: Skittles
Other use: putting up nose (a very mature group, no?)
$2.85 per box, PriceCutter

E. Wedel's Delicje Szampanskie Teraz Wiecej Galaretki Malinowe*
These unpronounceable Polish cookies elicited varying yet similarly disgusted responses. Upon tearing one chocolate-covered, raspberry-filled biscuit open, someone said, "hmm, it kinda looks like a placenta." Barely edible, Kelly announced that "the configuration is all wrong." Adam thought they were better suited for feeding to waterfowl.
Look like: Chocolate-covered Nilla wafer
Taste like: Dry, jelly-fied pound cake
Other use: Remove jelly layer from cookie, place between lips and pretend it's a tongue (again with the maturity).
$1.19 per package, PriceCutter

Doritos, Black Pepper Jack flavor
Doritos are beautiful for two reasons. One: you know there will be little if any distinction between the varieties. Cathy guessed these were jalapeno and ranch. Two: They're all tasty...all the time, and have nothing to do with eating a balanced diet.
Best time to eat: While watching football, drinking beer or in the throes a face-stuffing depression-induced binge
Other use: Triangle football
$3.49 per bag, PriceCutter

*Roughly translated: "Biscuits with jelly and chocolate"