Summer Movies: In Haiku

Back by popular demand: This summer’s cinema in 17 syllables.

Spider-Man 3 Venom hates wind chimes. Spidey gets sand in his suit, goes emo, dances. 28 Weeks Later Haven’t people learned that experimenting on monkeys makes zombies? Shrek the Third Much much worse than the second, which was worse than the first. End of story. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End Jack’s not really dead, yo. The rock crabs saved him! Rock crabs! Fine. Don’t believe me. Knocked Up A fantastic film, but way too much va-jay-jay. I’m glad I’m a dude. Ocean’s Thirteen The good bad guys win and the bad bad guy loses. What more could you want? Evan Almighty I’ve got an idea! Let’s rip off Bill Cosby jokes. “It’s God, Noah.” “Right.” Live Free or Die Hard Something tells us that Bruce Willis has torn up his AARP card.

Sicko Doc Sanjay Gupta took issue with Mike Moore’s facts. Get in the damn line. Transformers This film wasn’t great. But it beat the living crap out of Bad Boys II. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Harry’s teen angst makes us understand that wizards can be bitches too. Captivity Oh poor Kim Bauer. Daddy Keifer’s not around to save your film cred. Hairspray John Travolta dressed in fat suit and a black wig? Oh, right. No fat suit. I Know Who Killed Me Well, Lindsay dearest. You’re going to kill yourself if you don’t quit coke. The Simpsons Movie After 18 years, this has been the best move FOX has made since Idol. The Borne Ultimatum What happened to Matt Damon being pencil-neck? Whew. It’s hot in here.

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